Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Christmas Break Reflections

I'm writing this from my new MacBook Pro... and feeling outrageously fabulous and hip. I am officially a willing victim of successful branding. Thank you Apple- I am now a Mac.

Being home again always seems to give me some clarity of how I am feeling and where I am heading. I think it's because it's such a safe place... friends I love, family who support me, places I've known all my life. My surroundings give me permission to be reflective and feel my feelings (thank you, therapist, for such a wonderfully cheesy yet apt phrase).

To quote Coldplay, I'm realizing that everything's not lost. I am being to see where things are going more clearly and to begin to make a life for myself. During Blizzard '09, I actually missed my apartment and realized that it feels like home. Work is beginning to look up a bit- my big boss in charge validated my feelings about my work environment and has started to put me in a position to take on responsibility and actually get to think and learn. I've decided to view it as a 4 year internship and I think that's improving my overall attitude: I don't see it as an endless death march and more like an amazing opportunity to get experience that I can transfer to something with more meaning. And I'm starting to connect with my Bible study and church- I really am starting to enjoy the traditions and being around people who genuinely want to be there. I've been amazed at the insight that some of my new friends have shed onto different passages... they're smart and devoted people who are pursuing God and that's encouraging to me that I'm not alone.

But at the same time, I'm also realizing that I am living in defeat right now. I think that I'm mid-way through the hike and I'm not able to see the top of the mountain yet. I'm panting and tired and unable to believe that I'm going to make it. There's been a lot of emotional and psychological difficulties going on in my life for the last year or so, as some people know, and I'm feeling like a permanent pit-dweller, as BMo would say. I realized that I don't believe that I can be healed, I don't believe that I can be more than what I currently am. Sweet Bess said it best during our time together this weekend: I'm in the valley right now and can't see the way out. But realizing that that's how I'm feeling and being able to recognize that it's a lie is the first step to reconnect with the healing process and being able to move on.

I'm not going to say that after these revelations that I'm going to go back and be perfect and be completely changed. I'm too human and too weak for that. But I do believe that I will go back and slowly but surely begin to correct my path and my outlook. I know I can change with help and support- I believe I can be salvaged.

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