On Saturday, I left Knoxville once again and return to the place I now call home. It has been a pleasant and somewhat unsettling development to call that place home, but home it now is. It has been a week of sweet time with friends, family, and the Lord. Every time I take a step out of my life and go somewhere else, I gain so much perspective and insight into what I'm thinking, feeling, and praying at the time.
This time, when I took a step out of life and into that sweet, warm community that I have in Knoxville, I realized that I do not trust God with my wants, dreams, and desires. For some twisted reason, I think that if I tell God what I really want with my life and in my life, He will say no, just on principle. I feel like He will say, "Well, I've given you salvation- what more do you want?"
Is this the character of my Savior? Is He want to deny me out of spite? Absolutely not! The more I verbalize this belief, the more I realize what a ridiculous lie it is. But it springs from the fact that I've never really gotten what my heart wanted. This sounds crazy to people- on the outside, I really do have a wonderful and blessed life. And there are parts of that life that I wouldn't change for anything. Yet I can honestly say that I've never gotten my heart's desire... this job, these circumstances, many of my relationships- they aren't things I wanted. They are things that I ended up with. Some of them are better than I could have wanted, but some of them weigh heavy on my heart and make me want so much more.
But what I've been processing through is how brave have I been? How often have I been vulnerable enough with the Lord to say, "This is what I really want, in my heart of hearts. Would You give it to me? But not my will, but Thine be done."
What does it look like to trust Jesus enough with my dreams? Trust that He could and would give it to me if it's the best thing for me, and that if He doesn't, it's because He really has something better than I could have even imagine. "He will give you the desires of your heart." What does it look like to really believe Him for that?
I've been learning to trust Him so much more through the process of even asking these questions and talking it about it with my brothers and sisters. This is a question that every Christian has to wrestle with and what I'm seeing is that every one that meets the Lord here in honesty and vulnerability and does not let Him go until they get an answer, walks away from the fray with a deeper love of the Savior who is big enough to trust.