Thursday, July 1, 2010

Laughter In Between

Life is really pretty hilarious if you keep your eyes open and your humor close at hand. In my time working at Borders I learned 3 simple facts: people are stupid; people are dirty; people are rude. Once you've accepted these little truths, the crazy things that they do become infinitely more amusing and enjoyable to you; you become unflappable.

Three things made me giggle yesterday:
  1. In my neighborhood, the land of shirtless joggers, everyone is always trying to look their best. Yuppies in their business suits, college students in designer t-shirts, runners in brand name sweats. Even the infamous "walk of shame" on Saturday mornings tends to look like a minor event at Fashion Week. And who do I see yesterday on the drive home in this sea of smug, well-dressed hotties getting off the metro? A man- in shape and by no means unattractive- strutting up the sidewalk. In a pair of swishy, impossibly short short-shorts (think very baggy panties).Wearing an undershirt with the sleeves cut off. And a sweat band. With a fanny pack- turned around- with a pink fuzzy zipper. He sashayed right past me, with some of the sassiest swagger I have ever seen. He marched with purpose and focus across the crosswalk and into my heart. And as I saw him strut away, I admired his unself-conscious confidence. Sass on, sir.
  2. Maria informed me that she followed a man on a segway. To the segway store. We can only assume he was going to buy some kind of accessory kit to trick out his personal transportation vehicle. I hope it was some kind of rhinestone, bedazzling package. And maybe joke's on us- she did say that there's no parking around that store.
  3. My project at work is facilating the interactions between my unnamed client and an unnamed vendor. That being said, when I say "facilitate," what I mean is babysit and conjole the unnamed vendor into submission to practicality, common sense, and logic as we know it. Some of the individuals we've dealt with are clueless boarding on mentally impaired. Or they are criminal masterminds who have perfected the art of evasive manueveurs. I can never really tell. In any case, we were on a call with one such individual yesterday who was leading one of the most awkward and fruitless meetings I have ever witnessed. It started with a roll call- standard enough. "Okay, everyone is here. Let's get started." Then we sat through five minutes of silence. Every once in a while, the leader would murmur breathy commands or questions into the speaker, and through that accent, I could not determine to my satisfaction whether the person was trying to explain a process or seduce me and the rest of my coworkers into some kind of illict affair. Periodically, the line would go silent until the leader rejoined, sans explanation. Everytime anyone would speak, they would interject a "Hi, how are you?" before the person was allowed to speak. Almost every answer to a question was, "I don't know, I'll have to ask an engineer." It was, in a word, the picture of incompetence and ineptitude, all from the same individual who informed my manager that they did not appreciate his attitude when he requested a report that had been due the previous day. Amidst this conference call of incoherent and unconnected answers, we had the line on mute, so we were free to mock the leader to our heart's content. It's mean-spirited and childish, I grant you. But it is still highly entertaining and satisfying. My favorite comment was that when the vendor was staffing the project they called up the war room and said, "Quick! I need the most average people you can find! Stat! Slightly above average just won't cut it!" Ah, giggles. It's too harsh, I know. But when you are faced with people all day who reply "My favorite color is yellow" when you ask them when a report will be finished, it helps to burn off the frustration through ribaldry.*
And those are gifts that humanity gave me yesterday. They are all things that could make me sad, revolted, or frustrated, but instead, I see them for what they are- hilarious examples of how crazy and weird every single human being is.

*This little story does not in anyway represent the views of my employer, my client, or the vendor. Names have been removed to protect the innocent.

1 comment:

  1. This made me giggle. I love getting the glimpse inside your mind and your very unique personality. We sure miss you