To Whom It May Concern,
I know that you have known me as Maura or Frankie for years. Since birth, in fact, for some. I think that they're both perfectly nice names. Sure, I resented Frankie as a 5 year old- the bowl cut with the stirrup pants led to gender confusion galore. And these days, I've realized that Maura, while lovely, is a little too staid to fit me.
So, after much soul-searching, I have decided that neither of these options are sufficient for me anymore. They are nice but all wrong. I must be true to my inner self, and my inner self's name is not Frankie and it is not Maura. It's Susie, pronounced "snu-ffle-u-pa-gus". I am not interested in nicknames- I mean, why would I change my name to Susie only to be called Snuff or Paggie or Luffagus? That would just be silly.
Now, I know this will be an inconvenience to you all. I mean, aside from having to redo all of your address book entries and referring to me in conversation by my new name, you also have to endure the brow beating that I will give you when you inadvertently call me Maura or Frankie to my face. Not to mention the indignant responses I will send when you incorrectly spell my name Snuffleupagus instead of Susie. No worries, that's just part of the process of helping everyone remember my new (and real) name.
When you commit these unintentional faux pas, I will pointedly and loudly remind you that every time you refer to me as my old name, you are wrenching open a wound into a gaping, oozing laceration on my soul by forcing me to relive the days before the adoption of my true name. And that my grandmother's dying wish was for me to change my name. And that my religion requires me to make this transition. And that all of our mutual social acquaintances will now gossip about how ignorant you are to continue to call me by my old name. Don't worry, it's nothing personal. Just a verbal electro-shock therapy to shame you into complying with my new name change.
Anyways, I'm really happy to announce this important transition! I know that you will be walking on pins and needles around me for the foreseeable future- maybe forever. But that's really a small price to pay to enforce this unexpected and unusual decision on those around me.