Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Just Hopeful

Nothing much to say - just that I'm really floored by and happy with what God is up to these days in my life and heart. It's weird, because my external life is a pretty steady routine with few variations, especially now that work eats up so much of my time. I feel rather inadequate when I'm talking to some people who are off having adventures or whose schedule is flexible enough for them to do new things all the time. I'm jealous of that, in a lot of ways, because that's simply not where I am. I am not the master of my own time and, even if I was, I'm not sure what kind of drama I would really get myself into. That's not my style.
My external life might seem pretty rote right now. I guess it is. But that's such a contrast to my inner world and my spiritual life. I can truly say that I have grown and changed more in the last year and a half than in the previous 4- which is saying something, because I would have said the same thing back then! I was really resentful of God bringing me to DC, at first. Now I increasingly see that it was to draw me away from many of the distractions from Him and to rewrite a lot of the perceptions I've had about Him. I'm basically a wreck a lot of the time; I'm so thankful for that. I'm a disaster because He's working in  me to make me less selfish, less enslaved, less materialistic, less prideful, less self-reliant. Don't get me wrong, because I am still all of those things and more! But I see my imperfections and my brokenness, and, for once, it makes me turn to Him, not myself. I love Him a little and I long to love Him more and better. I think that's happening.
I'm in a weird place, right now. I feel like I'm discovering who I am and what He has for me. I'm letting myself want things and be okay with that. I'm learning and relearning en masse and all the time. So I'm sorry that I don't have all of these dramatic and interesting stories about places I'm going out to and people I'm meeting. I wish I could give that to you. It's odd- because my life on paper is so boring (and I definitely feel that, at times)- but it's also completely not boring and filled with twists, turns, ups, and downs. I'm learning to be okay with a primarily internal plot. And I'm learning who my friends are that will listen to my inner crap and be just as engaged with it as if it were the most exciting story in the world.

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